irresponsibility in the form of wool

having a cashmere sweater is no mere, mundane thing

having a cashmere sweater is a luxury

having a cashmere sweater is everything you’ve ever wanted

wrapped in a little box and tressed in a satin bow

sometimes it scares me when i have something

beautiful or precious or special

it’s a little scary like

when i was three years old i had this passion for bubble wrap

every time a package came in the mail

the first thing i went to was the cushioning inside

it was always the most adored possession i ever owned

but every time i burst each air droplet

bit by bit

my most valuable treasure would be ruined

i think it’s a little bit like that

knowing that you’re holding onto something extraordinary

but knowing you’re going to destroy it regardless

a stormcloud always about to strike lightning

a nebula forever on the verge of collapse

a mountain crumbling in on itself with no way of finding an escape

i know that i’m going to ruin this cashmere sweater

(i ruin lots of things)

and you’d think that if i knew i was going to ruin it

why buy it in the first place?

but

i have this tendency to jump into things even when i know

oh my god,

this is going to be a disaster

but i kind of thrive off the adventure leading up to it

i thrive off the feeling of knowing i’m making a mistake

but doing it anyways

i don’t know why that irresponsibility excites me

but i know that sometimes i go weeks without making a bad decision and i think

this is kinda boring

or sometimes i watch gossip girl and i think

i need some drama in my life too

so i tell my friend i hate her

and sometimes i love people

(almost radically so)

or i let people love me and i think

oh… this is gonna kill me

and it when it almost does i vow to never, ever, ever do that ever again

but the next week i think

oh my god this boy i saw for 0.5 seconds on the train

yeah, we’re gonna get married

our kids are gonna have his jawline and my… everything else

sometimes i think that i make the wrong decisions on purpose

like maybe it’s a habit born from a previous life

not like the Buddhist wheel of life

more like the elise from one, two, three years ago

like maybe making the wrong decision is a part of me

so deeply ingrained that i honestly don’t know how to avoid it anymore

(i don’t know if i want to avoid it anymore)

and i know

that at one point (possibly very soon)

i’m going to get ketchup on my beautiful cashmere sweater

but i’m going to eat that hot dog anyways

and i’m going to pray that this time it’s different

that i’m different

(spoiler alert : i’m not)

Growing Up

Growing up

I had three older brothers

Naturally

I was washed into the norm  

Of repeating after them

“That’s so gay”

“You’re so gay”

“They’re so gay”

They would say

Countless times again

And at this time being only but 6 or 7

I was confused

And would ask myself questions

Why was this an insult?

Doesn’t gay equal happy?

Why is it taken as an offense?

At times I was confused

Being 13

14

I was learning

To memorize the definition of

Gay

Gay (adj): being attracted to the same sex as you

And comparing this to the definition of

Love

Love (n): a deep feeling of affection

And asking myself if I fit into these definitions

What would I do if I fit into these definitions

Because

I was taught

Growing up-

You taught me-

That a man and a woman

Together

Was right

And that a man and a man

or a woman and a woman

Was against the norm

I was in 9th grade

My first year

of high school

When I met her

She

She was beautiful

What became a best friend

Became my first kiss

America First

I live in the United States of America

The greatest country in the world

We are the best in everything we do

But we are in a crisis

I used to live in Darayya Syria, a suburb of Damascus

It was a beautiful place with great people

Everyone worked hard in everything they did

But we are in a crisis

America has an immigration crisis

We are being infiltrated by criminals, rapists, and murderers

Syria has a humanitarian crisis

We are being slaughtered and beaten by the ones we once trusted

We cannot let these people in

They are going to take what is ours

I need to leave this wretched land

I don’t need much, I just ask for safety

These intruders are going to destroy our home

I want to come to the land of opportunity so I can live in peace

These terrorists are taking what is rightfully ours

I’m a father of three and worked as doctor back in Syria

They don’t deserve to be in our great country

I want to be apart of the American dream

How dare they think they can be one of us

When they were raised in the hands of heathens

I left everything in hope of asylum

They can go anywhere else

The only door open is the land of the free

They will put a stain on our beloved homeland

I will clean any injustice I see

What problems do they have?

I’m lucky. I made it out before the doors shut

I lost my coal mining job

I am fortunate to have found a refugee camp in Jordan

I’ve been unemployed for 3 years

My wife was murdered

I only have a one story house

They gave us a whole room for my family

Luckily we have a man who will open the doors for us

Unfortunately, there is a man who thinks he knows all

Who does what he wants

Without a worry in who gets locked out

Thank God we have a man listening to our demands

Keeping out what doesn’t belong

I don’t understand why they are locking the doors

And throwing the keys away

We will keep America safe

We have done everything in the pursuit of America

They are confusing us with dissident rebels

They are all dangerous and hateful

We are peaceful

The terrorists use the Muslim faith as a guise to excuse their actions

All immigrants are trying to destroy America

We are escaping destruction and

Fighting for a new life

If we keep them out

We will be safe

We need to keep them out

Please let us in

Space

Glory be to the heavens above

Above our kingdoms of mud and stone

Above the squabbling of man

The heavens in their glory remain, lords

Distant from the filth of humanity

The cosmos, magnificent in form

Utter not a word to us, human.

The filth below can only stare in wonder at its beauty

it's dance  through  infinity

We are not fit to revel in its greatness

But if not for life, its glory would be unknown

Many, forget their place

forget what lies above

Encompassing all of reality

The heavens shine

To let man bear witness to the majesty

We choose to sit upon our thrones

We choose to create kings and queens

As if they have power hah

For when the land turns to dust

When all life has died out in the cosmos

And when the glorious lights finally sputter

There will only be

Space

Roses

Roses

White roses dance in the wind   

Passed down from generation to generation

Melancholy accompanies the petals whirling around in the summer's air

Their thorns are the flashbacks of a swing set, and a child’s laughter

They harbor the pastimes of love

White roses dance in the wind

Hopes are crushed

While lost aspiration escape their roots

Acceptance letters blind the weak and hurt the ones who’ve worked so hard for them

They grow in place of the hollow cavern that is your soul

White roses dance in the wind

Apologies never spoken

And rings never planted

Broken promises

Demanding spouses  

And decomposed veils

White roses dance in the wind

Nurtured in their final home

Cut by their “loving” owner

Picked because they are beautiful

Kept because they are dead

Thrown out because they no longer entrance beings with their love

White roses dance in the wind

For our dreams were better than our reality

Life ends, and another journey begins

Because like white roses

We eventually die off too

The Enigma of the Human Race

Human beings are odd creatures.

We claim to be intelligent

Yet destroy one another

Destroy our enemies

Destroy our homes.

We claim we want peace,

Yet the war continues:

Discrimination

Bullying

Discord

War never stops.

We claim we are “helping” the world

Trying to solve problems

We Created.

Saving species we drove to near extinction.

Sometimes I think our efforts to help

Don’t help at all

Because we continue to make the same mistakes

Over and over

One step forward two steps back

We are struggling.

Struggling to solve humanity’s problems

Poverty

Inequality

Illiteracy

Struggling to solve all the problems in the world

Global warming

Pollution

Contamination.

Struggling to find peace

With the world

and each other.

But even with this malevolence

There is honor too.

Humans,

Creatures of destruction,

Can also be

Creatures of creation.

We build and rebuild,

Creating monuments

Families

Friends

Happiness.

Even while destroying the world,

We protect it.

Even while hurting others,

We shield them.

Even while killing animals,

We save them.

But is it good enough?

Do humanity’s moral choices outweigh the the malicious ones?

Maybe someday

We’ll learn

How to interact with the world

And with each other

And maybe,

Finally,

The world will be at peace.

The Monster Under the Bed

By the time we are old enough to understand

that there is no such thing as the “monster under the bed”,

a new one

comes to haunt us.

Except this monster isn’t like the one before.

It walks side by side with us in the hallways,

it looks like us,

dresses like us,

talks like us,

but it judges us,

blames us,

it makes us believe

that we are worthless.

Insignificant beings that do not deserve

to be standing on the same soil

that our ancestors who bestowed us

our family names once stood.

Yet we choose to hide under the covers of our blankets

because we believe that

in doing so,

we will be protected from this “monster”.

But in doing so,

we expose our hearts

and our vulnerability,

allowing it to shackle chains to our mind

so that it can pull us down into the bottomless depths

along with it.

We allow it to meld our thoughts

into one of its liking,

One deadened by the fear of

shame,

disgust,

humiliation,

for no one but ourselves.

But when will we come to understand

that this monster is just a fragment of our imagination?

When will the be moment we come down from the bed,

And realize that this is the only way we can shatter

those chains that bind us to it?

This monster plays with our fears,

But our fears do not define who we are.

Rather,

the broken chains that once tethered us

now signify our

strength,

fortitude,

determinance.

We can grow from our fears,

Just like we grew to understand

that there is no such thing as the monster under the bed.