Not What You Expected

Not What You Expected

I want you to color me like a paint the numbers

I will correspond 1, 4, 3

As long as you promise

That when you are finished

Space won’t look like a black void of nothing

But instead a colorful galaxy

I want you to make sure to be careful with your choice of shade

And don’t worry too much about painting in the lines

You have made me daring enough that I don’t have them anymore

And when the light isn’t there to whitewash these scars

I will wear your coat of paint like the stars

Because you have chased out the sun

And made me understand that the imperfect moon is much more beautiful

And what if I told you that that was all a lie

And if I am being real

I am

Not in love

Not afraid

Not alone

Not anything

Just gray

And me

But really what did you expect by the age of 15

Was I supposed to be heartbroken

Was I supposed be so aged by my life that I am 15 going on 40

So, no I am not turning into a middle aged man

But let’s just imagine I am

Dressed in an ill fitting tweed coat

I slip my hands into my pockets

Only to find I have dropped my adjectives

Misplaced my verbs and nouns

Lost my similes and hyperboles

And found out I can’t really write poetry

I have been pickpocketed of my emotions

Because when you are

Not in love

Not afraid

Not alone

Not anything

You become a bit colorblind

But I enjoy my monochromatic world

When everything is simple

They say Emily isn’t it a bit strange to be that empty, to just be filled with gray

And I say no, your guts are gray and personally I like being filled with them so I can literally live

But that wasn’t what they were talking about

Today I was expected to scream about the blood red of love

Or talk about how I have caught by a black tar of depression

I was suppose to propose some kind of concession

About how the world isn’t too dark or about how we will all find love

About how one day we will be heard

I was supposed to be the person to drop the mic

I was supposed to be who you wanted me to be

I was supposed to be the Emily Cheng who has a way with words and who can coax syllables and smiles to evoke tears and smiles

I was supposed to perform

And like all great works of theater I was not supposed to let you know it was just an act

But for now

While I might not be what you were expecting

I personally quite like gray

So I might not be stunning

And I might not be new

And I might have disappointed you

You who were hoping for the stars

And paint in various places on my body

But I will not lie to be human

I am content with just me and gray