Turbulence

A typical conversation

Between me and someone new

Goes something like

Yes, I am half asian

Yes, I lived in China

no I’m not Chinese

Im half korean

Half white….

When life was bright

but the clouds bleak

when I struggled to find my identity

Being asian was

Desirable

Practically all my friends were Korean

Forget that half white part of me

I was Korean too

I was unique and part of the few

Asians at a white populated school

But i was still white

And was reminded of that every time

I stared at the porcelain girl

Whose freckles populated her face

and outlined her facial structure she inherited from her

White dad   

Back then when life was free

but the clouds polluted

when I struggled to learn chinese

Being white was

Desirable

As the blend in-barely existing-who again?

Being white was less a part of my identity

And instead a game

I played whenever i grasped for

Uniqueness

At our asian majority school

I was

Cool

I had lived in

America

Practically all my friends were white

And popular

And no longer was I a nobody

But a white girl who hung out with few other

White kids

Yet I confined myself into separate circles

Playing a game of would you rather

Would you rather fit in the white stereotype

Or fit in the asian stereotype

Would you rather be seen as social dumb butterfly

Or a no life studier  

Continuously these tangled struggles strangled my balance

“But i can be both right?

Im wasian”.

Now life is a mystery

but the clouds are fluffy

I am still struggling to learn chinese

And sometimes I struggle to find myself

But when i look in the mirror

I now see a girl whose porcelain white skin is a turbulent blend inherited from her

parents